VICTOR - THE SENSITIVE GUY
An advice column that appeared on THE WELL in the singles conference way back before there were web pages.
Dear Victor (the sensitive guy),
Well my problem involves my roommate. See he won't quit bugging me about my love life. He keeps trying to push me into doing things I don't feel h e knows enough about. He seems perfectly willing to take an uninformed view of my life and push me to do something based on his own perceptions, even though he knows I don't agree with him on many subjects. The problem is I've known him for a long time a nd he is my best friend and I don't want to tell him to just fuck off, and I can't explain why I tell him less and less about what's going on. He's pushing me to close up on him and now I feel like there's no one I can trust to talk to.
Signed,
My Life.
Dear My Life,
Just tell him to fuck off. If he's been your friend for that long, I'm sure he'll understand that you only mean for him to fuck off in the nicest way. In fact, one of the best things about old friends is that feeling of permanence. They've been around fo r so long that you can usually say or do anything and still not risk losing your friendship. It's the kind of security one has with family. No matter how much you fight with a brother or sister, a mother or father, you know they aren't goin g to stop being family. I believe that it is this kind of guarantee that people try to have in marriage. The idea being that by making your mate a part of your clan you can never really lose them. Too bad it so seldom works out that way.
As for your roommate:
I suspect your friend is a typical busy-body type. They only want what's best for you, but have trouble keeping their hands off of any situation. This type of person is often fiercely protective of the people they care for, to the degree that they can stifle them. Since this is closely related to a mothering instinct, is far more common in women than in men. In some people where this instinct is particularly strong, and especially in men, who will probably never achieve a proper mothering role wit h anyone, a person will try to find other outlets. Some even become advice columnists.
As for not having anyone you can trust to talk to: You'll always have me.
Signed,
Victor - The Sensitive Guy
Dear Victor,
Are you really allowed to say "f uck off" in your column? How did you get into the position of advice columnist anyway? I've always wanted to do it, but the best I've managed to date is literary criticism? I guess that's advice of a sort. like to think of saving innocent readers from bad books.
Got one for you: how do you negotiate distance with someone who is coming on too fast, too strong? my usual pattern is to say, later and hope it dies a peaceful death. which works, but doesn't feel especially clean. I know part of it is that after a 5 year relationship I'm not inclined to rush anything.
sign me,
Time is on my side.
Dear TIOMS,
I get away with printing whatever I want because there is no editor to police me. If I were writing for a magazine or newspaper, rather than this electronic forum, things might be different. There is of course a Fair Witness here that can censor whatever they choose, but as totalitarian as that seems, freedom of speech appears to be alive and well here.
For TIOMS, and those others of you that have wondered about my credentials, or how an advice columnist is certified:
Advice columnist must be certified by both the NBA (National Board on Advice) and the NFL (Notoriously Flippant League). In order to make sure the Advisor in question is capable of giving "good" advice, experiments must be run. A number of identical twins with similar problems are selected and isolated from each other (usually late at night, using tranquilizer guns and nets), then half of the twins are given advice by the potential Columnist, while the other half are left to muddle along on their own as a control group. If the number of suicides (attempted or successful) in the control group population is greater or equal to that of the experimental group over a ninety day period, then the columnist is certified.
This may seem to be a fairly lax standard, but research has shown that advice is rarely taken anyway. The real benefit of an advice columnist is to give advice that the advisees can either decide to follow or, more often, not follow in which case they must devise their own courses of action, upon which they can embark with the confidence of knowing that someone else already thinks they are doing the wrong thing. (For some reason this can be amazingly comforting).
As for your question, TIOMS:
For the most part, if someone is coming on too fast or too strong, then they have some immediate need they want to satisfy. This is usually a sexual need, but not always. People desperate for emotional succor, when given the slightest hint of af fection, can become clingy or even obsessive. People who behave this way don't feel any completeness in themselves and are looking for something to make them more whole. (Hmmm... Sounds like almost everybody I know. Remember that who's going to fast or to slow is purely a matter of opinion.)
It is important to decide whether the individual in question wants something from you in particular, or is interested in the same from anybody (or possibly anybody of a certain physical or emotional type). If it is you and only you that this person is interested in, and you really want some breathing space and the opportunity to ease into things, then negotiating some space without totally loosing the possibility of a good relationship should be no problem. Just remember to make it clear that you want this space because of how you feel about yourself, not because of how you feel bout them. This will save hurt feelings.
If this person can fill the same need with someone else, they probably will, so it is important to decide if your willing to let them go. Sounds like you probably are, from what you wrote, but keep in mind that a lot of people who come together for the wrong reasons end up staying together for the right ones, and who knows when the next offer may come along. Hurting or healing, new relationships always alleviate boredom.
Of course my final advice is to talk to people about how you feel, being completely honest with them and with yourself. (but then you've heard that before and probably ignored it. That's what most people do with advice.)
Signed,
Victor (the sensitive guy)
PS. As a writer of literary criticism, perhaps you could look at your life as a book. Is the plot capable of holding your attention? Is your character believable? Be honest.
Dear SNAG,
Do Nice Guys sleep alone?
Very frantically yours,
Slee Pinga Lone
Dear Slee,
Do nice guys sleep alone?
Of course they do.
That is if your definition of a "nice guy" is a guy about whom any potential sexual partner will tend to say "He 's a nice guy, but...". In order to be seen as a "nice" guy, you will have to have already eliminated such adjectives as: gorgeous, intriguing, charming, sexy, etc... The ways in which you can do this are numerous; the two most common are by feigning a la ck of interest, and by making the person feel they shouldn't be attracted to you. Both are usually done out of a fear of rejection and a lack of self confidence. If your definition of "nice guy" is based on the idea that nice guy's don't make sexual advances, or that nice guy's at least wait for a long time before so doing, perhaps you should re-examine your motivations, and see if they don't actually come more from a feeling of fear than of chivalry. Regardless, the most important thing to remember is that the people you are attracted to are just fellow human beings, and so will react much in the same way you will. They also fear rejection. They also could use a little more self confidence. They also are flattered when someone finds them to be attractive ( and tells them so). No one has to be "tricked" into a sexual relationship. Be yourself, and be so proudly. Nothing is more of a turn on than an unpretentious display of self assurance. Tell that person how you feel about them, and if you get a "Gee, your a nice guy, but..." so be it. Give it some time and try again, or move on to another interest. When you finally find someone you can connect with, and you're there in bed, I want you to say to yourself:
"Look at me. I'm a nice guy, and I'm getting laid!"
Victor (the sensitive guy)
P.S. SNAG? Sensitive New Age Guy? I'm not sure I'm ready to be New Age. When I get used to the old one perhaps I'll be ready to try the New Improved one.
VICTOR - THE SENSITIVE GUY
Advice For The ages
Victor says:
OK, here goes the first Victor - The Sensitive Guy column since the addition of anonymous E-mail. Hope you enjoy.
Signed,
Victor - The Sensitive Guy
Subject: caring old guys
Dear Victor,
I recently had a woman I was dating leave me to date a 50 year old man. She said she wanted someone to take care of her, and that although she knew it sounded horrible, she was planning on moving in with him because she was tired of having to look for work, worry about money etc. She doesn't like him terribly, and realizes that she will probably be sleeping with him as part of the deal. For what it's worth, she is in her late 20's. What advice should I give her as her friend? if any.
Signed,
UNSIGNED
P.S. I most enjoy the addition of this feature in your column, please continue!
* * *
Dear UNSIGNED.
Advise her not to do it unless she knows she can stand up to public opinion and not be changed by it. With the consent and understanding of all parties involved, any sort of relationship is workable. However, a relationship does not exist in a vacuum. Both individuals are bound to be influenced by the views of their friends and acquaintances, and their self images may be affected. The older man will probably have his ego boosted by male friends and he may forget that she is a person and not an expensive toy to show off to those friends. If she thinks others perceive her to be prostituting herself, she may either try to live up to that image or become very defensive. Either way it may hinder other social interactions. One other point you might make is that finding work and making money are ways by which many in this society define themselves and measure their success. Most young people are searching for "What they want to do in life." and though there is no reason to think she's giving that up, just because she wants to take a rest, you might remind her how quickly people forget their dreams.
With these things in mind, there is no reason why she shouldn't get a free ride and enjoy it. I'd probably do it if I could.
Signed,
Victor - The Sensitive Guy
Subject: love in the rear-view mirror.
DEAR Victor,
Having just turned 45 and admittedly having what must be a "crisis" I realized
that all those friends I haven't seen in twenty years might actually be never
seen again... for eternity. Wow. Scary. I always assumed I would bump into each
of them at the A&P. Now they are scattered across the globe.
I don't really want to start anything up, but I would really like to say "good-bye" and "thanks" to several people who meant a lot to me at different stages of my life.
Question: Am I being morbid? I'm not actually dying or anything its just that I know now how fast it goes. How can I say "good-bye and thanks" without depressing the sh*t out of my former friends and lovers?
Signed,
Gone But Not Forgotten
* * *
Dear GBNF,
You should Live each day as if it was your last, while at the same time believing that you'll live forever.
What I think I mean by that is that it shouldn't matter when you're going to die. It shouldn't have any effect on your choice of actions. You should do what makes you happy in the moment, and enjoy building a future that may never come.
Since a "crisis" is often just a period of paying closer attention to life, and noticing that you aren't doing the things that you once wanted to, or possibly even the things you'd like to do right now, I suggest that people should have these "crises" more often. Then they might do more exciting things, more often, and have more fun.
If looking up old friends will make you (and them) feel good, then do it. As for how to go about it: If you don't want to "start anything up", a mass mailing of greeting cards will suffice (that's what the holiday season is for: an excuse to get mushy.) But I think it's silly to look someone up again after many years to say "good-bye and thanks." You should be saying "thanks and hello again."
Signed,
Victor - The Sensitive Guy
Subject: The Pain!
Dear Victor,
After 3 mos. of celibacy ex-thing showed up last night, only to end up engaging yours truly in many hours of torrid sexual escapades. Problem is, this guy is only nineteen (when we dated he was barely eighteen). I don't feel guilty, but I am torn between forgetting about the whole lascivious affair and saying "fuck it" and indulging in some young boy fun! Yummmm.
Signed,
UNSIGNED
Dear UNSIGNED <good to hear from you again ;-)>,
One real problem that exists in relationships between people of widely different ages is a disparity of experience. People do better together when they see each other as equals. This may be difficult for you if your range of experience vastly outstrips his. However, the more of the world you've seen, the less you find new and interesting. Contact with a fresh young perspective can lead you to once again notice those things, once loved but long forgotten. Go ahead and re-discover the world (and your youth) with the help of a younger man.
If you are worried that you are just using him for the sex, don't be; he's the one that showed up on your doorstep. Also, in a recent survey, four out of five teenage males said "go ahead and use me. Please."
Signed,
Victor - The Sensitive Guy
* * *
Victor Says:
Getting old is something I think about a great deal, even though I realize that the time I spend thinking about it is time spent doing it. Perhaps medical science will one day find a cure to what is basically just a genetic disease with which we are all afflicted. Until then, however, we will all continue to die of it. Depressing? Maybe not. If you view your life as a work of art in progress; if you raise yourself up from nothingness to achieve what you can and will; if you are both your own audience and critic, have a good ending, give yourself a standing ovation, and leave the theater with a smile on your face; then you become the ultimate kind of performance artist.
Go out and break a leg!
Signed,
Victor - The Sensitive Guy
PS. It has been said that youth is wasted on the young, but isn't it also at least equally true that age is wasted on the old?
VICTOR - THE SENSITIVE GUY
The Blind Leading The Blind
Victor Says:
Sorry about the wait. Victor lost a girlfriend, got fired, was re-hired by the same people, took a vacation, got fired again and got a new job all since last time. So I've been too busy coming up with advice for myself (and then not following it) to give anyone else advice. I'm still here. Keep the letters coming.
Signed,
Victor - The Sensitive Guy
Dear Victor,
I was curious about how the anonymous mail program would work so I invoked it and before I knew it I was sending mail to the Sensitive Guy (you!). I didn't actually intend to send mail to the Sensitive Guy, because my life works just fine, thank you, and I don't need any advice, not even about that little sore you-know-where that won't go away.
Signed,
\Accident Prone
* * *
Dear Accident Prone,
You don't have to have anything "wrong with your life" to write to the sensitive guy. You can just write to say hi or exchange recipes for quiche.
If it's true that nothing is wrong with your life, then you are doing better than I and I should be asking you for advice. I have this problem: I'm overly sensitive. I always identify with people; seeing their side of things rather than my own. I could be robbed and beaten, and during the course of the assualt, I would be thinking only of my assailant:
"This poor person is a victim of society. What can I do to help re-kindle the love for humanity this child turned criminal once had?"
What's wrong with me?
Respond at your convenience.
Signed,
Victor - The Sensitive Guy
Dear Victor,
I have recently met an interesting guy. He has all these great stories about his life. He says that he used to be a fighter pilot for the Air Force. He claims to have met John Lennon. He says he is a stock broker and owns a house in Staten Island. He also says that he used to be a standup comedian and he is pretty witty. I guess I am just wondering if there is some way for me to tell if all of this is true or if he is just being grandiose. I am afraid to as k him as it would hurt his feelings... any suggestions?
Signed,
Doubting
* * *
Dear Doubting,
The recent romance movie "Sleepless in Seattle" got rave reviews from the critics and big returns at the box office. In this movie the female lead is a stalker who uses her position as a journalist to dig up information on a man. She also hires a private detective to tail him and take photographs. If public opinion of this movie is any indication, then it is perfectly okay for you to investigate this man's background. If you have any friends in police work, ask them to run a check on him. If not, hire a P.I. - That's love in the nineties.
Signed,
Victor - The Sensitive Guy
Subject: Denying communication
Dear Victor,
My girlfriend and I had a great, albeit long-distance relationship. She had made it clear that she wanted me to make up my mind whether to move to her city (my career's much more geographically flexible than hers) soon, and I was giving it real thought and as far as I could tell we were both doing OK with that.
Without getting into the dreary details, about two weeks ago we got into a series of arguments at the end of which each of us felt like the injured party. Finally she said she needed space to think about what she really wanted, and I was to leave her alone for a month, though E-mail contact was allowed as long as I didn't try to discuss anything of substance with her. If I try, I will get her upset and ruin everything. Her need for time to think makes some sense, but I am feeling quite angry that this is being unilaterally imposed on me, and also feel that refusal to communicate is in general a violation of trust and a denial of partnership. To me it seems she is saying, "you made me angry, so I won't talk to you. I'm making new rules and if you follow them then I might decide I like you again. But if you don't follow them then I won't like you and it will be your own fault. Since you made me mad I get to make the rules and you have to follow them."
I want to tell her that I am experiencing her rules as a lack of concern for fairness and for my well-being. But she has been completely and uncharacteristically inflexible in saying that if I try to discuss issues with her before a month is out, we're through. However, in a month I'm going to feel sufficiently abused by this situation that our ability to move forward from there will be very doubtful. Trying to tell her that, so we could fix it, would be another violation of the rules, so I don't see a way we can both be satisfied.
All my interpersonal problem-solving strategies depend on communication. Any ideas how to deal with someone who insists they're working on the relationship but is denying communication to you?
Signed,
Michael
* * *
Dear Michael,
A relationship in which the parties involved live apart and never talk to each other has ceased to be any kind of relationship at all. At best it sounds like you have a Pen-Pal where you used to have a girl friend. The basic issue here is whether or not you should re-locate. Examine your feelings and decide what makes you happier: being with her, or being where you are. Make your decision and let her know what it is.
When someone cuts off communication it is usually because they don't feel the process is serving their needs. I would hazard a guess that in this relationship you are the one who has a way with words. In the long run, given a chance to talk, you can probably talk her into something she won't be happy with. She realizes this on some level, and doesn't want to be swayed from the course she has chosen. She is defending herself by refusing to listen to you.
Either give in to her, or tell her that it's not going to happen. At this point even if you do convince her to see things your way (for a time), neither of you will end up happy.
Signed,
Victor - The Sensitive Guy
Dear Victor,
I have recently become enamored with an acquaintance I have had for some time. I really would like to be closer to him, perhaps even start a relationship. I am just unsure about how to go about this. My friend, says I should look into his eyes and then I will "know". But I am finding myself too afraid to do this. Also it turns out that he knows one of my ex boyfriends. And in fact as soon as he learned that I knew this one ex of mine, he stopped talking to me where previously I was getting E-mail from him every time I logged on. I am feeling too lovesick to see this situation objectively. I am afraid that this guy will judge me on actions that no longer reflect my personality. Oh, Victor, what should I do? Should I just do nothing? Should I do as my friend suggests and look into his eyes? Please reply soon...
Signed,
Yikes
* * *
Dear Yikes,
When an X has become involved in your romantic equations, things can get tricky. Solving equations with more than one variable requires multiple relationships to be properly defined. In your case you have three equations with three unknowns. I suggest the use of simple substitution. If U can replace the opinions and ideas that your guy (call him Y) has obtained from his knowledge of X with ones that he makes up for himself through contact with U, then you'll leave your X out of the equation. Spend some time with Y and let him get to know U for himself.
Just separate Y from X and get him to spend time with U. You already know that X and U is a zero sum equation. When you can make sure X and Y also are adding up to nothing then U plus Y can equal Two; but only if X is really the Negative One.
Signed, Victor - The Sensitive Guy
PS. If you didn't apreciate the math humor, just let me say that looking into his eyes sounds like a good start.
Victor says:
If I get more letters before my life gets complicated again, I'll publish more often. To those of you who have written in, I thank you all. To those of you who haven't, If you don't have any problems, ask a friend; someone is bound to. If not, make something up.
Keep those letters coming!
Signed,
Victor - The Sensitive Guy
VICTOR - THE SENSITIVE GUY
"I do it for charity"
Subject: I NEED IT NOW!!
Dear Victor,
I'm a 5'10 blond with an insatiable sexual appetite. I have yet to find a man who is willing to "service" me on the kind of regular basis I need. Is it wrong to want a big strong daring man to fuck me again and again.
Help me Victor I need you.
Signed,
UNSIGNED
Dear UNSIGNED,
I'm sensitive to your problems. My home phone number is (800)555-SNAG if you'd like to call and discuss this. Maybe we can get together some time.
Signed, Victor - The Sensitive (but hey, I'm no saint.) Guy
Victor says:
You know it just breaks my heart to see that there are people in the world with these kinds of problems, and yet, society does nothing. There's all sorts of help available to people that need food or shelter, but our cruel culture simply ignores the plight of those poor unfortunates who don't get enough sex.
I'm seriously thinking of devoting my life to people with just this sort of problem. A non-profit organization should be established and volunteers willing to help such unfortunates should be recruited. Perhaps we could even get Sally Struthers to do a commercial for it. "For just pennies a day you can provide your adoptee with the special care he or she needs... That's right, for just the cost of a single condom a day..."
If everyone would just contribute 5% of there time (72 minutes a day) to having sex we could see the end of this problem in our lifetimes. I have a great deal of faith in humanity, and I think if we all get together we can do it.
Signed, Victor - The Sensitive Guy